/\/\ethos Quake - Gobo's Gibbage

Well hello ramblers and welcome to my latest (overdue) update from these raggedy ole fingers of mine. A few small points then on with the rant, I say I say I say.

Village Challenge 2 - Australia
Yep, I know it was ages ago (so was my last update) but it is still worth a mention. Kiwi team D2D came over to Australia and pretty much kicked major ass. The only clan Australia had which was able to make them work for their victory, Clan Reborn was pretty decisively beaten. Some of the Kiwi team's efficiency and frag stats were pretty phenomenal - despite the ease of some of their victories, there were some very good teams playing against D2D who really did get spanked. The speed in which they established control of DM3 was phenomenal and the teamwork was awesome. Download some of the demos from DaFlash's shaft or Challenge-AU and you will see what I mean. Checkout quad pimp Cinclant or just utter rapist bastard Mirage (this guy was dying like 3 times only in 20 minutes in some of the games)'s POV demos, they're both outstanding players. There is talk of a major lan being planned for New Zealand where some big name teams have expressed interest...if this is going to happen I better start kissing ass now as I want to be there (dammit I WILL be there %^&*( ) when these guys play some of the EU or NA talent. These guys really are able to shut out DM3 very efficiently once they gain control.

Rapture 99
Well this certainly was an interesting tournament. Predictably enough when everyone except Cata from the NA team pulled out of the 1on1 the shit hit the fan, but what people are forgetting is that these guys came to play team DM. Yes, EVERYONE would have liked to see certain matchups but all I can say about this is if people wish to market Quake as a sponsorship / pseudo athlete type deal, get USED to it. A lot of people are saying stuff like "noone CARES if they were out of 1on1 shape" blah blah but from a promotional point of view it makes a difference, even at this early stage. Why do you peeps think that good ole Thresh dont play any of those quake or q2 duel shistas lately? Look at it form this context...what do you think will draw more excitement...2 boxers with undefeated records going at it in a title bout or a cople of guys who have won more than theyve lost going at it? That's right kids, people's perceptions play a large part when it comes to promoting a commodity.

It was pretty amusing reading about the clown who literally pulled the plug during the EU NA final cos he wanted his cord back. Sorta seems a bit, well RETARDED really.

What isn't amusing was the shit slinging going on between eg|gemini and [sk]DocSnyder...one of the things that REALLY stood out about the TGI was the good natured rivaly between the different countries/clans (barring the spam before the event started), it's a shame to see this kinda stuff being reported as it adds tension where none is really needed.

Biggest surprise was the performance of the NA team, I thought it'd be a tad one-sided but it looks like the're the goods. The Irish put in a good showing too (hardly a surprise :P) and of course Kane was unstoppable in the 1on1. I dunno what Methos' doesnt like about Kane's play (neither does he though :) but watching some of his demos and this guy is simply phenomenal. Congrats to Kane for a fine win.

I'd just like to personally congratulate Mirage and Cataklysque for their efforts in the 1on1...Mirage is a bit of a dm6 (New Zealand translation - "deeumm sux") freak and it was good to see him perform as well as he did. As for Cata, well, he whupped some good players in the qualifying rounds but a bit of bad luck to draw Kane in the main event :) Knowing Cata he would have been stoked to be playing his idol though, so I'm sure he'd be the last to complain. Well done cata.

Quake3Arena Test
Well by the time you read this the odds are version 1.08 of "the test" will be in circulation. Myself, I'm still keeping an open mind. Some things will simply fux0r this games potential for competition playability until theyr fixed...footsteps being one of the major hassles. It encourages camping like you wouldnt believe, those damn footsteps. What do people think is better and makes a 1on1 more tense...hiding away in some cranny on a level listening for oncoming players or the need to carefully track sounds like is necessary in Quake? To my mind there is no competition. I've gotten used to the rl, the rocket speed is a fair compromise, but the splash damage is still too small, and the player physics are crap. No air acceleration means a less skilful game. Its that simple. Play Q3Test2 on lan against anyone decent with a rail and its pretty much game over if you use the bounce pads at all. I will say that graphically I'm impressed...but the flares and effects are a tad over the top, and the LG will hopefully be majorly revamped as it at present is the epitome of suckfulness. Q3Tourney is a good little one on one map though, theres potential for some good looking frags and attractive play with the lg and the rl and those bounce pads. I'd say I've probably had more satisfying frags in terms of skill needed on this map than the other two combined. The weapons switch time is painfully noticeable, but I think id is going to wait until the final is released and they receive torrents of abuse before they act on that issue, if at all.

Spot that quote:
Taking a page out of Methos' book try and tell me who sang these lines:

"beneath the stain of time/
the feeling dissappears/
you are someone else/
I am still right here"

This Updates Rant:
It's pretty wise advice to tell any guy considering defending females in general to approach his defence with caution: employ too much passion and you look like a patronising chauvinist; too little and you risk being assessed as offering token, hypocritical criticism with little regard for the substance at hand. Bearing this potential minefield in mind, I'd like to draw your attention to recent events regarding "quake babes" and the like.

Now this is definitely not a jib at Methos, he's my man (albeit somewhat older) fifty grand and all, but rather a comment on certain "inconsistencies" I see and observe around me most of the time, so try and approach this with an open mind rather than interpreting it as an assault on the very heart of your masculinity, cos its not doofus :)

Now the story goes something like this: Methos posts a picture of a rather well endowed female "quaker" on his page. Quite a few (ok a shitload) of people go "PHWOAR" and sorta get a little bit overexcited. This is all well and good, one cant expect humans to be robots or something, but theres a tinge of hypocrisy here...heres a couple of points to consider:

Why is it totally beyond the bounds of comprehension to believe that a rather glamorous looking woman would play quake? Why not, theres a lot of glamourous guys around who do...like...ZOID! No seriously, its rather insulting to other female quakers to have the spotlight stuck on an ample chest rather than on terms of merit, yes? What kind of message does this send? What if the roles were reversed? Could you imagine a quake site that had a picture of a guy with a tight pair of speedos (dick stickers, swimming trunks) equipped with a cucumber-sized appendage straining to get out as a profiled quaker. Why is he there? Skill? nope, the size of his dick. Wouldnt happen right? Damn right it wouldnt happen - because in this no-bullshit just the facts world of quake and the internet theres little time for the irrelevant, unless it panders to certain tastes. I'd imagine the amount of gay and female oriented quake sites would be a very very small minority, right?

Why is this something to have a bitch about? Well, apart from the fact that its a pretty tacky stunt, I have a lot of people saying to me "why arent there more women playing quake" well take a long hard look and wonder.

Now being the devils advocate that I am I can respond to myself and say "What a load of politically correct garbage" or maybe even "where's your sense of humour?" but look at this on a deeper level than just interpreting it as an infringement on your right to check out a saucy dame, boys. Women are different to men, and not too many people reading this far would say they would only like to play against other guys - so if you want women to play this kind of thing, you have to acknowledge their right to do so without getting hassled too much...and things like this "Tina" thing get certain types of people in the wrong frame of mind. Deny it if you will but we all have seen people on servers acting like mysogynistic pigs at times...why add fuel to the fire? This is the INTERNET folks, its like 90% pr0n anyway... why should we act like a bunch of sniggering teenagers at the sight of some flesh? If quake ever wants to be the kind of gaming mecca some people think it can be, we may have to drag our attitudes from the 50's and maybe skip ahead to the 90's. Just as we wouldnt like to be all stereoyped as geeks who sit in front of pcs all our lives, perhaps we should cut some slack and think of how others may react to this kind of thing rather than just assuming everyone will think its cool, cos it aint.

Hello
Yep, back again after another hiatus, with a few more ponderings to make the hours go by...today's musing is a bit left field, so let's get some standard stuff out of the way before we begin, yes? Here we goooooooooooo.

Movies
Finally saw "Saving Private Ryan", very graphic, not -that- moving...definitely a better and deeper movie than "Shakespeare in Love" (in Academy Award terms). /me wonders what kind of negotiations surfaced about Tom Hanks' death scene. I'm sure there was an alternative ending proposed where Hanks and Damon stroll off into the sunset to be lifelong buddies or some stuff. As it was they had the lingering camera on Hanks' corpse for -quite- a while, and the old man saluting the grave was a tad US melodramatic at the end, but hey, it's an American movie, so we have to indulge them their fancies. For some weird reason, the sniper shots in the movie made me -really- keen to check out TF2...I guess this means I play too much quake :P Nevertheless, a rewarding movie all in all, my rating 8.

Oh yeah, on the subject of movies I saw this little known arthouse flick called "The Phantom Menace"...all jokes aside, it was very entertaining and spectacular from a SFX side. It definitely had the "Star Wars" feel about it, two gripes only: Jar Jar...fuck I hated that thing, right from the word go I wanted it dead. I just-knew- it would be there for the whole movie talking that mongoloid jive. The other gripe - Darth Maul...talk about "restricted airplay" the poor dude hardly appeared at all! Cool fight scenes though, but most of us "non Star Wars freaks but still sorta knew what was going on" figured out by ourselves that Liam Neeson had "to be killed near the end" written all over him. Ewan MacGregor was outstanding as Obi-Wan, and surprisingly the kid who played Anakin wasn't -too- annoying, then again, Jar Jar pushed the envelope in the annoying category for me. Good too see kids in movies being portrayed as aggro little hard cases too, that race scene where he takes out the other dude was cool. Violent kids 0wn you! The political slant added a lot to the movie, even if everyone -knows- how things end up. Ideally, we could wipe our minds of the fact that Palpatine is the emperor, and at least have a "who is dat?" thing going on, but hey, beggars can't be choosers. Bring on #2, and while you're at it Lucas don't screw DVD release of the original Star Wars trilogy over until 2004, that sucks much ass. My rating - 8.5

Open Letters
Muahaahahahaha. Well, I checked out some responses after Methos posted his letter...hmmmm some ppl get a tad nasty don't they? I perhaps wouldn't have done the same thing myself, but hey, that's life, get over it. I checked out Paul2's letter, good to see the old guy still has it :P~

Seeing as JC liked to talk in really abstract terms PB (prior bombing) I submit these recommendations on behalf of me:

Rail=Q2 Rail
Shaft=Q1 Shaft
Q1 Air Movement=1
RL=Q1 RL
Splash=1
Respawn rape=1
Switch time=0
Romerogameplay=1

Aren't you a little old to be playing games?
Tell me citizens of planet FPS, how many of you over the age of 24 have been asked this? My money is quite a lot. It may have been asked innocently, at a LAN, or perhaps in IRC during a particularly heated discussion. Due to my fantastically youthful good looks (and childish demeanor, to a certain extent :P) I generally don't get too many people thinking I am my real age (28), but rather about 21ish. However, my heart goes out to my gaming peers who, perhaps having hurdled 30 and heading headlong to 40 have this loaded question directed at them. I will digress massively here as I think its the best way of proceeding. /digression begins:

A favorite topic amongst oldbie gamers is "what game did you first play". What we have to remember here, is that the early-mid 80's were when computers started to be used for games...be it Sinclair Spectrums or Vic 20's. before then there wasn't much scope for gaming on computers, apart from the really old text only games (not text adventures) which I must personally confess to hating. The Vic and Sinclair heralded a fledgling form of computer gaming press...remember the hours of typing in "listings" of BASIC games, only to tear your hair out as you've realized that somewhere in the hundreds of lines there was a missing number or mistyped digit. Then the C-64 got released. Woohoo! The gaming press gathered momentum. People playing this things were typically fifteenish through to <insert age>, the graphics were awesome, you had a heap (51K? 58K?) of memory to "program" in. Games on tape abounded..l33t pirates were guys who could actually copy games WITHOUT using a double tape deck, and most importantly of all, games were created that had extremely long lasting appeal, and started to tap into the whole multiplayer competitive angle...I'm thinking Summer Games I and II, Winter Games and World Games by EPYX, Hewson games like Uridium and Paradroid...think about it there were HEAPS. Now it was the old version of multiplayer to be true (people clustered around one keyboard) but this was when multiplayer started to be actively encouraged, and people realized that any game + multiplayer was a hell of a lot better than single player only. Arcade conversions began on the C64 (Commando...what a conversion!), and people truly began to realize the potential of gaming on computers. From my own POV, I and my peers read Commodore User, Zzap 64 and C&VG just as religiously as we played cricket and basketball, went to the beach, etc etc. Gaming was certainly nothing that could occupy people to the extent that it does now. Bearing that in mind, the reviewers in these mags held god status for us proto gamers...remember Ken MacMahon (noted for his hard hitting slaggings of sub standard games)? Julian Rignall (last seen running stuff at Virgin)? Mike Pattenden? Mel Croucher? Eugene Lacey? Probably not, but in their time their words were gospel to such an extent that probably will never be realized again. Now reviewers are viewed with cynicism, not only due to commercial molestation of the process but also because of the sheer amount of conflicting opinions that fly around. Ahh memories :)

In my opinion, I think no games platform has held games with such longevity as the C64 (with exceptions noted later). Then the Amiga was released. Wow. Great graphics and sound, truly years ahead, the Amiga truly trounced the only opposition (vastly overpriced and underperforming PC's) in its early years...I pity software developers who tried to make money off the amiga, it was THE warez machine... The amiga had a stack of hits, but very few held the staying power of the C64 games, mainly because of the sheer volume of games that were released for it. ( I will always have a soft spot for Kick Off and Kick Off2, by Anco, however). What the Amiga -did- do that was important to us now is twofold...if seemed to finally drive home to PC makers the need to pitch their machines competitively both price wise and capability wise, and secondly the whole 3d concept was explored with some decent graphics (for that time). Also the first version I recall playing of a 3D deathmatch with okayish graphics was released...it was called "Bloodwyche" (something like that) and you could have 2 players running around the same dungeon trying to hit each other. Not riveting, but a start.

Then PC's started to overtake the Amiga. We saw Wolfenstein released, which sent shivers up the spines of many (made me get headaches), then Doom, then Doom2 which was the ultimate demand0r of PC hardware...you needed at LEAST 4MB to run this baby! Not only that but a 486 was where playability was at! Ow! People started to LAN, started to play on DWANGO...id multiplayer was born. The combo of gore and multiplayer capability made Doom/Doom2 one of the landmark titles of the nineties. them murmurs started reaching gamers ears of a new game id were developing...one that would be in full 3d, tax dodgy PC's to the limit, yes...remember hat screenie everyone sp00ged over, of the dragon flying overhead? Yes, Quake was in development. Once Quake hit, everything started anew...which brings us back to the original topic (almost)

The point is, up until the mid 80's, there were no "games machines"...so its the people who either grew up in the 70's or 80's who probably were most willing to check out this new fangled technology. This is a generalization, go to a LAN and you may see the odd 50+ guy or girl there (but not too often, I bet) but really, its this 70's/80's crowd who first really had a chance to get into gaming while they were growing up/were young adults. The fact that gaming is so addictive has never changed. Whilst those of us who aren't blessed with a D.O.B in the 80's inevitably tend to have more responsibilities, the fact is that gaming is a pastime much like any other...one which some of us have enjoyed close to 2 decades now (and if this makes you feel old consider this...I was listening to a radio interview with Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers who mentioned they have been around for 17 years. Ouch). Quake and the whole host of multiplayer / internet games it has spawned has really been the first opportunity for most of the younger players to check out horizons farther than the end of their suburb...but by the same token, just because you may get the smack laid down on you by a 30 something year old dude, it don't necessarily mean he or she don't have a life, it just means that they're a gamer. After all consider this...not many people could honestly say "playing quake is my life" at ANY age (and if you can, I'm not entirely sure I want to hear from you...get some sun goddamit)...just as a teenage gamer has gaming, school, adolescence to get through, so do older players have commitments they must respond to. Think about some occasion when you've been playing like "wow unbelievably well" and think of how pumped up you can get...well that "gamers adrenaline rush exists" in ALL gamers...it's just the level it exists in the individual, and not their age, which determines their enthusiasm.

Quake3 Test – Yes, Another Opinion
Well. I have taken time to pretty much go in-depth on Q3Atest, and what are my impressions? Different to what I expected. I’ll admit to being a tad sucked in by the hype, so I –was- expecting some pretty awesome things which, quite frankly didn’t eventuate. However, like a lot of other people, this was because my expectations clouded my judgement somewhat. Having gotten over that mental hurdle, I approached the test with a fresh open mind, and here is what I’ve seen, summarized in point form, if you please.

Graphics
Well, they look nice. Flashy textures and lots of nice weapons effects. Quad looks awesome. Unfortunately, all the nice weapons effects make it nigh impossible to see half the time (I almost gave up on q3Test for this reason alone until I got Essobie’s .pak, which made things 100% better). I like how everything is customizable (eg Rail and Shaft dimensions and shape) but why the hell did id’s defaults for the weapons mean that half the screen is taken up by then, hey? If invis had have been included, it would have been nice, but hey, the test is fairly comprehensive, so I ain't complaining here. Models wise, well, personally (and please this is just my opinion) the models are way too dark on Q3Test1 (more on that later) and I actually prefer the chunkier look of the Q2 models from the ones in the test. That’s just me, then again, with the rail I thought the models in Q2 were about its only redeeming feature, so who am I to judge?

Maps
Well, maps are a fairly subjective thing, but for what its worth, I think Q3Test1 LOOKS lovely, but is a dog of a map. The Quad area and RL/Personal tele area are particularly campable, they even have spawns in sight ffs! And this from the "newbie friendly" id! What I find most weird is that for a large portion of this map, the skins are bloody hard to detect colour on unless you crank gamma somewhere about up to my eyebrows, which kinda makes the map look shit. O well, scrap one map. Now, on the other hand, the "LAN map" Q3Test2 I find to be excellent online and on LAN. It’s an ideal FFA map – people are easily discernible, but like whoa who ain't gonna be camping the Rail spot as everyone improves in skill level, huh? Isn’t it ironic that the new progressive Quake3Atest is ripping off design-wise a mission pack map, or is it just me that sees certain similarities here. Anyone?

Weapons
O dear o dear o dear. Plasma Gun…novel and quite damaging in the right hands. Machinegun – horribly ineffective if your on a shit ping (you cant tell if your hitting or not). Shotgun – great at like >.< range, shit anywhere further out. The Gauntlet – OMG this sucks id, remove it PLEASE! The RL – well (IMO) the rockets arent fast enough, but I can live with that, as long as there's some decent area of splash…which there isnt. WTF happened here id? 4-5 rocks to kill some1 via splash? That’s awful. Honestly, I’ve not heard/seen one person, Quake1 player, Quake2 player or newbie say anything differently – they all say "gimme splash" even if they reduce the rate of fire (not a bad idea as it’s a tad spam central at present) to compensate, give us some decent splash! Far and away the best weapon in the test is the rail. Initially, I would have liked it to be able to kill a respawned player in one shot, but on both maps this would be too open an invitation to camp the rail. Quad rail kicks ass, I must say. Weapon switching times? Well, a lot of people are disregarding this, but once you have made a config up it starts to rear its ugly head…I’m increasingly noticing the annoying delay, and yes, it is bugging the shit out of me, and will only get worse. No delay! Please! A final word re weapons has to be said for the shaft (enabled via set cheats 1)…it doesn’t push people around…unless it will in the final, there's prolly not much point in having it. Yes I know they stil have to work on it, particularly given that it wasn’t included on the maps, but lets hope they don’t fuck with the shaft, cos it’s the true masters weapon. :P

Physics
Like QW my ass id. Firstly, what have they done with the rjump? You rj now and it feels so uncontrolled and "canned" its almost like they have some kind of routine that detects when you’ve jumped and fired at the ground and you get put into a set sequence. Not enough control there methinks. Does anyone else out there feel that both Quake2 and Q3Atest don’t have anywhere near the "total control" kind of feel you get with the Quake(1)Guy? I definitely don’t get as immersed in either Q2 or Q3Atest as I do in Quake1, because the feeling of complete control just isn't there.

Hardware Requirements
For me, anyway, surprisingly good. My P2 233 with Voodoo2 handles 640*480 really well with compressed textures and the sky off. I like this much. What I don’t like is the constant crashes due to id’s little spit about 3DFX tho, its majorly annoying having to reboot and reconnect to my ISP twice an hour because I’ve hit the fraglimit at the wrong time, or whatever is causing the crashes. Furthermore, wtf is up with certain video cards not getting support? Dearie me, it’d be ok if it was your average unknown vid card, but there's some mighty popular cards "excluded" at present.

End Of The Golden Age?
Well, with the dodgy rocket trails, shottie trails, bigass rail trails, your average newbie will be impressed until he/she realizes that those damn things are blocking their view. Id doesn’t seem to realise that an excellent player will RAPE shitless a crap player on ANY game, trying to balance them out just aint gonna work, and will only reduce the longevity of the game.

…Or Is It A New Beginning?
No doubt about it, Q3Atest seems to be the game EVERYONE is playing ATM, and with fair reason. It’s an improvement on Q2, I think most will agree, but there are some aspects that seriously need attention , and what the heck is up with the footsteps? NOONE wants footsteps, yet Camack puts them in anyway. I tend to agree with Methos here in that while noone disputes Carmack is a genius programmer, guys like Romero were / are the Deathmatch masters (having said that, Dykearama, err Daikatana Deathmatch failed to excite me at all)…all I’m saying is that if Romero had have been in charge of design, yes, we may all be in old age before we got the demo, but at least it would appeal to hardened deathmatchers the world over (and its no minority, id software…who do you think BUYS your software…a huge never ending supply of newbies?). Bottom line - I personally like the test, I think there's major issues but it has potential…if id will actually listen instead of paying lipservice to the idea of receiving feedback they will end up with a much better , competitive game.

Gobo’s Advice to Spookie
Yeah man, I was reading your column (as you do) and you were talking about how you bought a DVD when you don’t even have a player. God DAMN man, get a player, they kick ass…you watch, you’ll buy the player, then you’ll do what I do…you’ll get a A/V receiver (cos you need Dolby Digital baby) then you'll need mainspeakers, a center, surrounds and a sub…THEN you’ll want a bigger TV. It’s a slippery slope, but man o man it’s a good looking (and sounding one) J )

Cataklysque
A belated farewell buddy, keep in touch man cos you one funny m0f0, got that? Good
Werd.

"MacOs Still Sucks" (But You Guys Suck More)
OK, now I've never been one to buy into OS wars, computer wars any of that bullshit, but can someone, ANYONE explain to me WTF is going on with this Mac Q3A bullshit?? I get back from a nice long weekend holiday with the vague hope that id may have gotten the test out and lo and behold, I see all this Mac Q3A test news.

"Coolies" I think, as I boogie on down the information superhighway at 56K a sec towards quake3arena.com. If it's out on the Mac, it will be out on the good old Windows sludgebox right?

Wrrrrong. It's only on the Mac for the time being, "so", as Carmack puts it "don't be spiteful".

As the reality sunk in, I started thinking just how much id software is reminding me of "Zed" from Pulp Fiction. Can't see the similarity? Let me help you out a little with some casting advice:

Just to recap on ancient history...it was Wolf3D, then Doom, then Doom2, then Quake, then Quake2 that gave id it's (justified, notch) position as #1 in the FPS biz.

It sure did help having an "alternative" image. I mean, a cool image combined with a groundbreaking product is a surefire winner right? Now, I'm not saying Mac fans are less worthy than us PC suckers, but facts is facts, Judge Judy...PC owners' money made id software. I'm all for products coming out on the Mac, but now the support we get shown is pretty much thrown in our face.

sCary, id, etc can argue till they're blue in the face that anyone who has a problem with this is a crybaby etc. Stick that argument up your ass. In past weekends when I've hopped onto IRC the universal factor I see are the hardcore dudes waiting all night for any mention of the release of "The Test". Sure there may be one or two Mac fans in there but the VAST majority are wintel dudes. Tell THESE dudes, the hardcore fans that will buy enough copies of the game, play and promote it enough to ensure that mass market appeal that id software so desperately craves, that they are being unreasonable. I'd say that id is forgetting where they came from, but they are not, they are only remembering that in the open market, money is king, and a hardcore gamers memory is short, particularly when it comes to them.

DVD...YES
Well, having given up on playing Q3A test for the moment, I have focussed on the good ole DVD. I cover the dangers of conformity below, but just ONE realm I would like to see conformity reign is in the field of DVD Region coding. Australia is stuck in the Group 4 region for DVD, think of Group 1 (US) being Manhattan, well, Group 4 is something like Compton. That's right, we're stuck in the DVD distribution ghetto. Is there anything dumber than this region coding (apart from DIVX, which wins hands down)?

Naturally the Internet mail order companies who export DVD's are going to be getting our business whilst the local vendors will miss out. The upshot of ordering from O/S and using a multi region DVD player is that you can see some movies before they even finish showing in the cinemas over here (or even before they get released). Seeing as someone as dumb as me can figure this one out, it doesn't take the person who convinced id to release q3atest on Mac early (obviously a smart person) to realize that some studios

have the potential to lose some seats at the local release of their movies. Oh well, back to the TV, some new US release should be on about now. :)

From TGI to TCM
Well, its hardly something to laugh about, but there must be someone up there who just plain doesn't like the idea of online gaming ever gaining widespread acceptance. Yes, I am referring to the Trench Coat Mafia massacre. I mean, each and every one of us is a walking timebomb, just waiting to explode. The whole media situation is unavoidable because it LOVES these things. Anyone who thinks I'm being hard hearted when I say that the press absolutely gorges on the blood of slaughtered children is sadly underestimating the calculating nature of news in the 90's. The amount of gleeful and ghoulish detail even available on TV and print over here in Australia (let alone on the Internet) about this tragic event really is over the top. Even today we are still being bombarded...now with details of memorial services, testimonials to the dead etc.

Let's face facts, society has always been a tough and hard place for everyone involved in it. The very nature of humanity is self-centered, the level to which we as individuals control it is one of the defining traits of our personalities. Naturally, humans tend to have a highly developed sense of survival. In adolescence, you have the unfortunate mixture of people maturing at different rates being thrown in together in a giant mix. Don't get me wrong, diversity is always healthy, but as everyone reading this will have known or experienced first hand, in school all students invariable end up being classified as belonging to one "group" or another. It's that survival instinct manifesting itself. In school, individualism is often ridiculed, and conformity is god. Those who don't or can't conform become outcasts.

I personally like to think that the maturation process never ends, but that the defining point of someone's life usually starts with the realization of their true individuality, and the mental rejection, however subtle of the overriding need to conform. Whether this is the "weird guy" you may know who acts in an outlandish behavior to reinforce his individuality. Or, the quiet deskbound worker who pays lipservice to the man whilst all the while not swallowing a gram of the company line. It's still an affirmation of our (selfish) but healthy desire to mature and be individual people. Remember the line about "if you don't stand up for something you'll fall for anything" - self-realization is the liberation in its purest form.

How does the above relate to a gang of misfits going psycho? Well, it's like this. It's pretty obvious that the explanation being offered for such senseless violence was the fact that these guys were alienated loners. Some people will no doubt say that these guys were mentally ill. I think it's dangerous to say that. I wouldn't be surprised if one could have been diagnosed as a sociopath or psychotic, but just remember that there was more than one person involved. It's too pat to say that this was some group psychosis (the jury is still out on how many had involvement). These guys (yes guys plural as in more than just 2) planned this for what now is being estimated up to a year prior, they bragged of their intentions. That indicates a chillingly methodical approach.

Adolescenthood is life amplified 10X and then some. A non-stop emotional rollercoaster for most. Things that you experience as a teen are things that affect you more then than perhaps any other time. Feelings of isolation are common. Irrationality is common. Fear of failure and the need to belong is strong amongst most, even those who would have you think otherwise.

These guys were a pack who clung together with the shared bond of rejection. Don't think of them as individuals, think of them as a pack. For all their attempts to individualize themselves, all they were, were robots. In an unfortunate coincidence, fate lined up several variables and waited for the mixture to reach critical mass. Combine that ever-present white middle class teen male angst with a need to be different, yet somehow belong. Throw in a culture that actively supports conformity at all costs, and you have a breeding ground for action, however disillusioned it may be. These people were unable to find the spark of individuality, which would have had one of them stop this horrific act before it became reality. All it may have taken was for one of them (possibly 12 or more people) to just stand up before the others and rationalize their fears and doubts, to have let the growing man speak and not the angry child. As it was, nobody must have been able to, and so a heavy price has been paid.

Several things have been waved around as "contributory factors" to this outrage. Doom and violent TV (of course), the lyrics of Marilyn Manson, (please fucking explain that, ffs) the usual shit. The answer is of course, none of these had a thing to do with it. Anyone who has been to a LAN can attest to the sheer diversity of people attending. You just don't get people of just one type playing computer games. You get everything from the unemployed university students to PhD holders playing these games. Every type of teen from the school dorks through to the captain of the basketball team. To say that playing any computer game is symptomatic of a deeper problem is a load of shit. I wonder if reading ever got this kind of rap in times gone by:

"Oh look, Jack the Ripper reign of terror continues, I just bet he's been READING again"

It's silly to look at every single thing about a person and then claim they all contribute to the person's personality. The press has a fine tradition of doing this, and the masses love to hear it as well, it gives them pigeonholes to place people in. Therein lies the problem, people love to categorize other people. It allows them to easily compare themselves to the other person at face value, rather than analyzing deeper. This panders to people innate need to be "superior" to another given person, because they can internally justify this with their God-given "you're a such-and-such so, I'm better because I'm a so-and-so" argument.

If I say that I am a "Quaker", I only mean to say that "I am a person who plays a lot of a computer game called Quake". I'm not saying that I'm a white computer dork who doesn't get out much and has no friends etc. These stereotypes are mere horse manure to fertilize the perceptions of a mass media fed population that is just too weary to think for themselves.

The tragedy that occurred was a concurrence of unfortunate variables. It's a mistake to confuse ancillary details with core behavioral traits. Doom didn't make these guys what they were. Marilyn Manson didn't make these guys do what they did. Some people have the potential to perform deeds of breathtaking horror in them, all it takes for this seed to reach its tragic culmination is a collection of circumstances to fall into place as it did April 20. If you want to find something to blame the actions of these children on, look no further than your genes. The potential exists in every one of us to act out these deeds, it's only our ability to reason and to think as an individual that prevents us from acting in such a destructive fashion. Unfortunately for Columbine High, and for humanity as a whole, once more we as a race are presented this horrifying glimpse into the dangers inherent with living in a society that disregards the need for individuality whilst placing a premium on acceptance.

Tee Gee Eye
What an EVENT! What an awesome competition. It was absolutely great, I cant describe how badly I wanted to get over there and be there in person, it was absolutely awesome to think that such an event could have been pulled off as successfully as it was. Hoony and Izn0 deserve credit for having helped extend the lifespan of quake just that bit longer. I swear I lost count of the people who found their interest in quake totally rejuvenated by this event.

It was always a safe bet that there would be some ungrateful fuckheads spamming after / during the TGI so on behalf of the -real- Quakers out there I'd like to thank the following:

Izn0 and Hoony: For conceiving the project and bringing such a spectacle to life. It takes vision and a lot of patience to complete such a huge task of coordinating people form around the world, and yet you did it well without any major hiccups or complaints about the way certain people were/have been acting.

HeKsen, Mille (mill?), Methos, DBs (and the countless other people involved) who updated IRC play by play, organized proxy servers (for a largely ungrateful audience), kicked people who got a tad too excited (/me slaps Paul2 around a bit) and generally kept everyone informed. It was a top effort.

LakermaN: for having nerves of steel and providing simply the most consistent and devastating performances on all 3 maps. Thanks for letting us all think you were weak on DM6 Laker! Congratulations on a well deserved win...to only drop two games in an entire tournament is testament to the fact that you are the numero uno Quaker in the world today.

Kane: for surprising the living shit out of everyone with the level of skill he had on DM2. Kane, if you could have been in #truegamers2 (obviously you were busy :P) during that final game you would have been amazed...after the 6 frag start most, if not all the supporters were either going crazy (Swedish mainly) or getting very depressed (German, and Cataklysque in particular). As you slowly dragged yourself back into contention the sheer atmosphere was electric, every time you scored a frag the channel almost melted from the agony of the Swedes and the ecstasy of the German fans. No one in the world could deny that you were very unlucky in the final game, but you took the loss like a sportsman, and I doubt there is any other player in the world who could have pushed Laker as far as you did.

Sectopod: for proving me right when I was telling people you were the outsider to watch out for J Amazing skill on dm4 as well as making life difficult on DM6 for some.

Columbo: my god. You did surprise the shit out of all the AU supporters (and a few others no doubt) with your very strong shaft skills and dm4 ability. The whole boat thing oozed class as well. The surprise packet of the TGI, and it looked like it worked for you.

Nikodemus: DM4 God. For helping make Group B more of a test than most people thought it would be for Secto and Kane J

Reload: well done in proving that of all AU players you are probably the only one with the raw skill to complete with these guys. Considering the lack of competition over here, and the enormous pressure put on you by the mad keen AU fans, the obvious handicap with connections etc, you did remarkably well, and easily better than anyone else from here could have done. Watch now as every Australian Quaker will be running around trying to shaft your ass off on DM4 :P

Timber: For some mad dm4 skillz and some interesting tactical moves on dm2 :P~

Xenon: Say after me "I WILL BUY AN ALARM CLOCK" L Seriously Xenon, you were my pick for second. Bad luck man :/ (Then again never underestimate Columbo)

Sujoy: For being a class act, and graciously attending when other, possibly less deserving persons Stateside saw fit to change their minds at close to the last minute. Definitely a person with "cult appeal" on IRC, and possibly the most liked Quaker at TGI, judging form the volume of "GOOOO SUUJOYYY" spamming that occurred (even in #quake.au for god’s sake)

Blitzer: Having the hopes of the mighty Finnish quake nation would not have been easy, but you acquitted yourself with distinction and style. Good work and I hope it was an enjoyable experience.

DocSnyder, Griff, Malby, Methos, Hoony, Spore, the Quake Nation crew and the countless other people who updated their websites over the period of time the TGI was held.

All the mad, rabid, psychotic, patriotic IRC fans (and god there were a lot of you): you gave the event a terrific atmosphere, it was definitely a satisfactory substitute for being there. It was great being able to chat to people you’d only seen demos of, or played maps they had authored (/me looks at Preacher). It was great to see hundreds of people all getting behind there players, at one stage there was well in excess of 60-80 Swedish and Australian fans each in #truegamers2, (all arguing with each other J ), as well as a multitude of Finns, Americans, Brits, Kiwis and the odd Irishman and Canadian J

And a final clap on the back goes to my partner in crime, Cataklysque. Werd, we 0wned #truegamers2 and we ran it with an iron, er, fist. BTW, to the 20 or so people I kicked for various crimes against netiquette, please note that Cata made me do it, and feel free to register your displeasure with him on cataklysque@barrysworld.net :P It was great speccing Gemini hammer you on dm6 too J

As luck would have it, with all the good comes the bad as well, so in no particular order I’d like to thank the following people...for NOTHING

Demo Whiners: Yes, we all would have liked POV demos straight away. It was impossible to organize so what was to be gained by repeatedly complaining about it? Nothing you ungrateful bastards.

Proxy Whiners: If you didn't like it, you didn't have to use it. ‘Nuff said.

"XXX kicked ass, they should have won!": Anyone with 2 eyes in their head could realize that all the players who attended did as well as they could and performed to the best of their ability. Let the placings speak for themselves and stop speculating on "what if". For FUCKS sake if Kane can hold his head up after losing such a close dm2 match to LakermaN, at least have the class to admit that as a "fan" of "your" player your disappointment that they didn’t do as well as you hoped may have had something to do with the other players being better. Is it that hard to be sporting? It seemed the players were able to, why cant you?

TGI Messageboard Fuckheads: You know who you are. Criticize the normal, reasonable people who gave you the tournament or had friends or relatives playing in it or organizing it all you like, it just makes you look even more stupid (if at all possible)

So-called USA "Gaming News Sites": What a fucking JOKE. Most of you "daily news sites" owe your very EXISTENCE to Quake and its players, yet you pretty much diss or ignore the thing until its all over. How petty minded and ignorant you look, and believe me the loss is all yours. Any real quake player worth their salt kept themselves updated anyway, so your head in the sand tactics were for nothing. Suck it. Congrats to the sites in the UK, Sweden, Germany, Australia (and any I’ve forgotten) for actually reporting on events that happened in the most ambitious Quake LAN ever held.

The TGI was truly a fantastic event and even as you read this, I’m slowly sifting my way through over 2 mb of raw text from the IRC logs which I intend to grab some snippets and pearls of wisdom to post next week. Until then, start looking forward to Rapture ’99!

Yes sir, it’s time for an update no less, me having successfully completed my house move. This update will be a bit of a mixture, but it’s coming at you with some TGI flavor, which is hardly a surprise seeing as by the time you read this it will be over or at the least underway J On with the show!

sCary and Thresh
Well, well, well, this news is old but still is a huge shame. Most of us were skeptical about the chances of Ferrari Boy attending, but did anyone see sCary’s withdrawal coming? (any jokes in poor taste about this sentence can be directed to cataklysque@barrysworld.com) (Note that I’m not referring to Rix in this context as working for Ion Storm, he probably isn’t allowed to even breathe in the direction of an event celebrating quake :P) It’s a shame, as one gets the feeling that the average USA quake player’s level of interest in the event has probably dropped to zero as a result of no USA representation. This isn’t a dig at USA players in general but, I’m sure I’m not the only one who has noticed that our State side brethren tend to notice only things happening in their own back yard.

The real shame is that in a months time, no-one will care if sCary and Thresh in particular did well or did poorly. Most people were NOT expecting either to win, and I’m sure most outside of the USA would have been hard put to place either in the top 3. Thresh would be nasty on DM6 (as long as he didn’t run into Secto) but, I sincerely doubt he still would dominate on DM2 against the likes of Lakerman or Reload. On DM4 I could imagine Timber and Kane in particular dancing on his grave (with everyone else doing a similar number, but maybe less overwhelmingly).

I’m sure most would agree with me when I say that both had nothing to lose by attending, and doubtless both will have some lingering regrets about not being able to make it. I couldn’t imagine -any- player turning down an offer to play the worlds best, but then again, I’ve never been American I guess :/

The Replacement Killer (no plural)
Well Sujoy is a much loved figure in international quake, and speaking as a regular lava swimmer I’m always thankful for his lava jumping discoveries so he is a solid choice IMO. One nagging part of me would have liked to see Koopa (Ireland) be given a run. Maybe Cable (Finland) or even some USA talent like Gemini or the mysterious "Burpy" as well as Sujoy. But, I guess you take what you is given (unless you decide not to take it, which is why the TGI guys needed a replacement)

Oscars
I know its ancient history but wtf is up with the Academy Awards? Last year that fucking diabolical piece of shite movie Titanic won everything not nailed down. This year...best picture..."Shakespeare in Love"??? W T F!?!?!? This movie was average at best , and I give it 2 thumbs down simply by virtue of having that anorexic duck faced Gwyneth Paltrow (best remembered by me as being the headless wife of Brad Pitt in "Se7en") in it. I’m sure our Italian friends would agree that "Life is Beautiful" 0wned Shakespeare in Love totally. Bah humbug.

What's In and What’s Out
In the spirit of trying to give Methos’ site the reputation of being the "Harpers Bazaar of Quake", I’ve had a stab at doing a "what’s hot and what’s not" of the quake scene at present:

What’s Hot	What’s Not
The TrueGamers International	Rejecting an invite to play at the Truegamers International
13-30 pings onto internet servers (Sweden)	90-300 pings onto internet servers (AU/NZ)
The anticipation of waiting all night on efnet #quake3arena last weekend for Q3Atest to be released	Waiting all night on efnet #quake3arena last weekend for Q3Atest to be released only to THEN see Graham Devine’s .plan update.
Gaming news sites offering informed opinions on quake-related news and happenings from around this wide wonderful world.	Gaming news sites offering inflammatory and radically (racially?) biased opinions on current events happening on the globe (no names of course) /me pokes you with a certain AU ISP/Quake ISP/ part time Serbian press office
Watching the floodgates continue to pour Q2 players back into the fold of Quake :P	Realizing that after Q3A is released the floodgates will be pouring the other way :/

#truegamers
Well it’s the channel that banned Paul2! It’s the channel full of more Australian’s than #9, it’s troooogammmers! Some little extracts:

On Linguistics:
[22:53] <Nodge> reload u know any swedish ?:)
[22:53] <Reload> i know one word
[22:53] <Reload> slut
(I’m sure I missed something there)

On International Greetings:
[23:00] <VG> saaarp
[23:00] <Spice> hello
[23:00] <VG> hello
[23:01] <Devon> hi
[23:02] <VG> hello
[23:02] <VindicTiV> hi the rest of the world
[23:02] <gs> hello
[23:02] <Booker> hello
[23:02] <VG> hello
[23:02] <Spice> hello
[23:02] <VindicTiV> the rest of the world didnt say hi
[23:02] <VindicTiV> only my part of the world
[23:02] <VindicTiV> gay

On Fickle Fandom:
[23:03] <[LoK]Nodge> YE GO XENON
[23:03] <[LoK]Nodge> GO NIKO !
[23:03] <[LoK]Nodge> nah go reload too after all hes representing au :)

On [D2]Headhunter Refusing To Play 1on1:
(Censored, but let it be known I was willing to connect to a European server and cop a 5-700 ping and STILL play him :P)

It looks like I’m right on the money when it comes to moving to Scandinavia to play quake, Reload told me that there are heaps of servers playing 1on1 and FFA, and they’re always packed with players, not to mention the 20-50 average ping. I’m saving for the airfare right now.

It’s good to see that everyone is taking the TGI in good spirit (now they are at least, anyway). It’s sure to be the pinnacle of an excellent reign by Quake on the fps scene. Most people seem to realize that it may be quite some time before an event of this magnitude is held again, so it’s good to see most normal people cooling down and getting behind the idea.

Cata[moo] 0wns Me In RA
Oh you’re REALLY good when I’m on 600 ping you WHORE :P. HPB’s of the world unite and let cataklysque@barrysworld.com know what you think of 200+ pingers killing off 600+ pingers and laughing at them.

(What Cata should be worried about is that I killed him about 3 times...out of 30 :P here’s a tip Cata...its ROCKET arena, not AXE/SHOTTIE arena!)

quake.inet.fi
Top server, full of good natured players and its got Death32C...the only problem...I literally ping 950-999 on it L

Mail me at fragbait@hotmail.com some cool ass servers I can try out that I’m able to move for 5 seconds in a row without pausing.

Well, the next update you see from me will be post TGI, in fact, this one may be as well, depending on speed issues, so until then remember...

Well guess who discovered #quake.uk this week? Yes indeedy it was me. Now naturally a rant will follow in due course, but firstly some small tidbits.

Werd, It's (a) Ranger Gone Mad
Yes, You may know him as [R2]Cataklysque. He is lonely. He is desolate. Why? NOONE is emailing him! I’m serious, the boy is depressed because he KNOWS you want to reach out and contact him. Read his page, respect him for his sage wisdom, and above all email him LOTS. Maybe this way the suggestions to Methos that he mate Cata with Paul2 will subside. Email him at cataklysque@barrysworld.com and let him know that you too have experienced the pain of having parents that are closely related.

The UK 0wns Me
Yes, last time I brag about killing LPBs on Barrysworld. That dastardly git Paul2 managed to engineer some very ego wrenching games against the rather skilled Erebus, who was gracious in victory, even on my home server *&%!

For the record, it never would have happened if my hacked walls and aimbot were working, but for some unknown reason they fucked up. They fucked up about 50 times at least on dm4, come to think of it. The moral of the story kids – don’t play on O/S servers unless you have ISDN :P

<GrannY> Prime Minister Tony Blair has promised to eliminate child poverty in the next 20 years.
<GrannY> yeah right, how's he gonna do that then?
<Cloud-Warrior> Kill the kiddies I guess

Forward thinking for a new era. That's why we down under don’t have access to better pings – cos our politicians just don't make the HARD DECISIONS.

Anyway enough rambling...on with the –real- rant...let’s talk about Quake Nationalism!

A Few Good Men (and Women)
Ok, most of us bods who play Quake no doubt fancy ourselves as pretty wired individuals. You know, the kind of people who can affect that smug bastard look when some clueless git is raving about that new fangled game Unreal, or maybe flash a contemptuous smirk at the people still freaking out over the WWW. Let’s just say it’s part of an increasing awareness of people that the world is indeed a small place, and that we all are part of a ‘global community’. Funnily enough, there is a new breed of nationalism emerging amongst some of us Quakers. It's sorta weird because...HELLO it's almost the year 2000! Still that's what it is, in various shapes and forms, and whilst a lot of people joke about it, it’s out there, surely as much as the truth is!

The United Nations of Quake
It’s natural for quakers to always assume that they could give someone in another country a good roasting on a given map. It’s how our egos operate. I mean, most of us tend to think that IF IF IF something, everything goes right we can beat anyone "on our day", no matter how much we care to deny it. It’s one thing to get beaten by the person next door, however, another to think that you’d cop the same thing from some bloke in Finland with a lot of ‘k’s in his name. Due to the less than perfect speed of worldwide connections, its pretty much always going to be a case that people will have an "excuse" for their getting hammered by person X from country Y. Whilst the Euros have a good idea how good each other are because of the proximity, places like the US, Asian countries, South American countries, here in Australia and New Zealand...we do not always have a good idea how we measure up against the rest of the world.

Well, soon some of us will have a better idea, as the TGI is almost upon us. Cool idea right, a LAN with the best players in the world participating? Well yes...and no.

Human Nature Vs Quaker Nature
As has been mentioned before here, Quakers are a very opinionated bunch. Say ‘white is white’ to a group of quakers and at least half of them will argue about it. This can be good, as inquiring minds should be encouraged. Unfortunately, being an argumentative git is often the flipside.

Now TGI is an awesome concept, but Quakers being Quakers are now in full bitch mode. What about do you think? Is it the rules? Is it the location?

Quakers the world over are now bitching about the PLAYERS in the tournament. Yes, you have to wonder at the mentality of some people it is true. We have some Aussies over here slagging off the Swedes (better make that slagging off everyone), we have Swedes responding in kind, we have some Germans slagging off Aussies, we have Americans telling us that Thresh would 0wn us all, and we have the Brits laughing at everyone for being such tossers.

This is silly – the guys running TGI would have got nowhere if they had have acted like a lot of people are acting at present. There is an Aussie who will go unnamed who recorded a demo of him going up against a severely lagged Timber (on a visit to an Aussie server) and is seriously trying to make a point at how good/bad Timber is. WTF!?!? Hello? This is just one instance in a whole heap of stupid behaviour that's going around at present, and it ain't just Aussies, let me assure you :P

Shut the fuck up and wait for the LAN. Does ANYONE actually think for a second when they start talking shit about how "their" player (inevitably in their clan or in their country) will clean up the rest? The whole point of the TGI is that these players have distinguished themselves so much that they represent the current leaders in the world at Quake. They’ve gained respect for their ability so you should respect their right to participate. It’s always the ignorant that run their mouths to excess anyway.

What is the point of going onto IRC/boards etc and abusing people you don't even know? It’s just plain dumb. For the nationalistically oriented, it also makes your fellow countrymen look pretty thick too.

I have it on reliable authority that it will be a "Big orgy where all the worlds hottest men gather in sweeden [sic] to show each other who's got it, and who doesn't"*

Ok well, as promised last week, its time to divert the rantage away from the safe target of Quake wankers and move on to something a tad more...nostalgic. I want you to (yet again) close your eyes and take yourself back to when you first found out that you could play over the internet. Can you recall back that far? The eternity of fiddling with configs, the confusion as your fps from single player plummeted to about 5 fps when you inadverently connected to an overseas server? The sheer thrill as you managed to gain a half decent (perhaps just even a crap) connection and actually saw your FIRST INTERNET OPPONENTS running around in front of you? I remember running around with a ping of 600 at 5am watching people flickering around the screen and thinking "yeah! YEAH!". I was there until about 1pm, by which time I think I may have amassed about 5 kills, mainly from firing random shots that miraculously connected. I thought it was simply un-fucking-believeable, and it instantly rendered out of date any game I had without multiplayer capacity.

Things have developed rather rapidly in Quake. Can anyone seriously tell me that their first experience of Quake (however many years ago) before they jumped into the ‘scene’ made them think that in there would be international comps like the TGI? That the sheer volume of people trying out the game would lead software companies to be daring enough to develop multiplayer only titles? (and on this subject...’Turok Arena’?? WTF!?!?) That the enduring popularity of Quake pretty much would destroy the chances of Quake2 ever being something more than a petty footnote in the history of id software?

It’s been a fast and impressive ride, but prepare for the end kids. For all but the most hardcore, I fear that online Quake is dead. Yes, people have been saying this for ages, but most of us know thats mainly been just a bunch of clueless tossers. Most people are now pretty much predicting the same thing:

"When Q3A Test is released, Quake is dead" (note the people who seem to think the mere demo is enough to kill Quake, bahaha)

A lot of opinion is thrown around as to what will "kill" Quake, but ignorant soul that I am, I believe more than ANYTHING it is our own expectations. Quake’s lifespan is pretty much unprecented in terms of gaming (don’t throw Doom/Doom2 at me, its now termed as having ‘cult’ appeal). Why has it lasted so long? IMO, it is because id got so much RIGHT in the game. It’s ALL about reflexes and speed. There just isn’t any ‘idle-time’ between weapon switches, no slowass movement – its sheer adrenaline. Players who think ahead and aim well are rewarded, lack either of the two and you just wont cut it (I love listening to Q2 players complain that Quake is all about aim, nothing more. The best way to describe the difference in aiming requirements between the two is to say "Get BFG. Go to crowded area. Point at floor. Fire").

In making such an excellent game so demanding to master, id Software guaranteed it a mega lifespan. Trouble is, we’re human, AND we’re gamers (it’s true dammit!) A LOT of people say that they’re bored with Quake, fair enough. It’s not like Q2 is a viable alternative though, even the people who win the major comps in it admit to returning to Quake for a real challenge.

Quake players, however, have been subjected to pressure to change – how many Quakers can honestly tell me that they haven’t been told that they are scared to try Q2 because they have to acquire new skills; that they only play Quake because their hardware cant handle Q2 (rofl); that they wont play Q2 because they know they will bet 0wned? Most people will have to admit that this stuff gets thrown at them from time to time. What this has done is create some kind of subliminal vibe that EVERYONE is now saying "I’m going to Q3A". Is it because they think the game will be great? Sure, but ask yourself if part of it is to show that YOU can dominate at a new game, that YOU arent afraid of change. For all the hoopla surrounding the IHV etc, and taking into account its age, and worst of all, Carmacks comments about competitive ‘balance’, I think you have a snowballs chance in hell of Q3A being as demanding as Quake is. For all the bitching about how like Quake Q3A will be, it seems like it will be what its always intended to be: a fairly equal mix of Quake and Quake2, with the gameplay favouring balance over control. I’m also willing to bet that most people will say that they love it, and never play Quake or Q2 again, or at the least, will dig it out every now and then to fondly remember how things were.

If Q3A ISN’T all its cracked up to be, what’s the point in playing it? Sure, give the thing time, but I for one will be playing Quake still if Q3A just doesn’t cut the mustard. Damn, if things get really bad down here I’ll MOVE to Europe (I have a vague feeling that Scandinavia will always harbour the last true diehard quakers, failing that I’ll hop across the English channel, I figure any place which has timed local calls yet STILL has a Quake scene happening must be worth a bet). I’m going to buy some reclaimed swamp land and build me a ‘Quakers Biosphere’, goddammit.

There’s no point in perversely and stubbornly sticking to something you KNOW isn’t as enjoyable (witness the born again Quakers popping out of the woodwork in recent months), just the same as sticking to Quake if you don’t enjoy it is equally as stupid.

The name of the game is enjoyment, yes, but simple enjoyment with too much touchy feely "everyone is balanced" crap makes for a short lived game, people. Apart from Clan 9 (hail!) there aren’t too many people who can run around against world class opponents and do them over with the trusty Quake shottie, and thats the way it SHOULD be! Give people something to control, don’t let everyone be able to run around with any weapon and pose a major threat. Just THINK of the major Quake DM maps and EVERYONE thinks of them in terms of the target points: Quad, RA, YA, RL, LG. Give people some incentive to go to Point A, rather than saying "well you don’t need to go to Point A, because Point B, C, D, E, F, G, H and I are all cool too!"

Anyway time will tell no doubt, but I’m left wondering with Carmack’s present philosophy on making Q3A as easy to get into as possible, whether that initial thrill of discovery and the longer term enjoyment of slowly mastering different aspects of the game may get somewhat diluted by the relative short amount of time it takes to get skilled.

The Guide to Quake Wankers: Part Deux
As promised, the last two types of Quake Wankers to be profiled are now revealed...the online Casanova quaker, and the ex-Quake2 player.

The Online Casanova
The Quake Casanova is a curious and bizarre creature. There is no 'typical' age or characteristic for these guys except that they are a) desperate, and b) convinced that there is no woman yet who can't be seduced with his cunning quaking wiles. Only problem with this is that quakers as a whole are a cynical lot and have been known to ridicule those who act a tad strangely on servers. Combine with this factor the fact that almost everyone plays under an anon online (or so it seems) and you have a recipe for disaster as "DeathBork 5000" (or whatever name the Casanova assumes) attempts to seduce "Denise", who in reality is a pimply faced 15 year old laughing his guts out at how desperate some guys are. Having said that, it's always a thrill to see how a server full of quakers abusing each other left right and center can suddenly turn into a smileyfest when a female nick enters it. There's always the exception to this rule (the guys who go out of their way to display how crude and obnoxious they can be) but normally it's a case of try not to slip on the grease as those oh-so-smooth quakers turn on the charm. The charm lasts probably until said female beats everyone to the fraglimit, which inevitably triggers the "you're not a GIRL!" accusations as several affronted egos struggle to avoid deflation.

The Ex-Quake2 Player
Well well well. Isn't THIS a growing breed? What a surprise that some players have turned their backs on Q2 and either taken up or returned to Quake! The reasoning for this is straight forward for the returnees - Q2 has lost its allure for them, and they require the more adrenalised challenge rush that Quake provides (usually), or maybe its just a case of fulfilling your competitive obligations with Q2 then jumping back to a real game (Hi Thresh!). In any case be wary of messing with these people because that honeymoon period whilst they recover their skills from "Q2 reflex slowdown™" is unpredictable...

Much better for you to find that elusive beast, the Q2 player who has NEVER played Quake until now. This person has just had ENOUGH of having Quakers sneer at his god given Q2 skills (why he's a regular ace with a BFG!), so he's decided to teach us a lesson. When this 'lesson' inevitably goes awry, and he finds himself getting spanked all over the place, look out for the challenge to play him at Q2, where he will "kick your ass". This is the point where you loftily remind him of the quakers creed, being something like this:

"A Quake player can always jump onto a Q2 server and do well...a Q2 player will NOT do as well"

"I don't play that crippleware version of quake, I paid FULL PRICE so I would get a game with a lighting gun in it!"

It's a sad fact that Quake is like any other game that becomes popular online. As the skill factor slowly becomes the deciding factor, you tend to get people who are keen on the game and/or interested in getting better (group A), and you get people who would rather bitch and act like moronic imbeciles (group B). It is in your BEST interests to avoid Group B as much as possible, unless you are a sadistic prick who delights in wreaking havoc on lesser minds than yours.

As Q3A approaches, and we all turn our minds towards when the test is released, I ask you to do one little thing: pay attention to how well behaved everyone will be acting...just like when Tribes came out, just like when half-Life came out, just like when Sin came out (hell, even when Unreal finally had a patch allowing online modem play with a ping not exceeding 3 figures), playing online was GREAT! People were so caught up in trying new things, new weapons, new tactics, new maps that they actually FORGOT TO BITCH! It was great. Sure, barring Tribes all these games have proven to not catch fire online (IMO, of course...I'm sure the 3 people who still play Unreal online LOVE it) but for about a week, maybe more in some places, it was heaven to play in an environment where people were actually really thrilled to be playing, as opposed to bitching about lag, bitching about campers, bitching about hacked maps etc etc. Just watch, Q3A will be the same.

Of course, the real solution to 99% of the hassles you encounter online is to LAN of course. Forget the hare and the tortoise, if playing online is the tortoise, then LAN is Formula 1. There is no comparison. Things that make LAN soooooo much better than net include:

Playing online makes you overweight. You have to move and lift stuff (mainly your ass to wherever your lanning) when you lan. I could be cruel and mention something about Zoid, but I won't. Oops.

LAN will also make you more attractive to the opposite sex, help pay your credit card bills and get you ahead in life a lot faster.*

(* indicates artistic license may have been exercised, ie...I'm talking shit again)

There is no real solution for the problem of dealing with online dickheads, that is true. All you can do is develop the ability to turn the other cheek, or just ignore it completely. In a perfect world, people wouldn't vent their insecurities on others when they feel safe and anonymous, but they do. Best not be around people who do it continually, as in this way lies madness. Make your polite apologies and exit, young man or woman, from whence you came. Embrace LAN, or at the very least, play with friends. If you have no friends, well, it could be that you are the type of person people avoid like the plague :)

The Rise and Fall of Online Quake (Part 1 of 2)
Played a game of Quake on the internet lately? What’s the most annoying thing do you reckon? Is it the lag? Is it the server quality? Is it QuakeWorld? (well, that’s something you have to get used to on the net) Is it the MAPS? It’s a safe bet that for those quakers who spend significant periods of time playing quake on the net, they’re biggest pain in the ass is…other quakers. Yup. We have to face facts…a LOT of people out there (present company excluded, of course) seem to have this curious disability which changes them from quite normal people offline to complete and utter wankers once they enter a Quake server.

Yes, I know there will be people who will be saying "ohh but those bad apples have ALWAYS been around". Yes some have, but consider the sheer MULTITUDE of them nowadays. It’s not just a few anymore, it’s a LOT. In the interests of knowing your enemy, I have prepared a quick guide to identifying some of the many and varied dickheads you are likely to encounter, as well as some brief tips on how to deal with them in a diplomatic manner (or then again, in a NON diplomatic manner).

Next week concludes the saga with the last 2 missing links in quaker evolution…the ex-q2 player and the online casanova. Stay tuned till then.